Malignant....a word I NEVER wanted to read on a report again....

Huge changes to what has happened in my life since my last posting in 2011.

• Darren and I are divorced and live a very civil life. We are partners in ensuring we raise Olivia together as a team.
• I retired from the Police Department after 11 years of service.
• ALOT more but those close know the rest of them..... 

Over the last several months there have been signs similar to those in which I had before I was originally diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2010.

Deep breath to write this....

After over a year of a fight with my insurance company, I decided my stubbornness and selfishness needed to subside and just agree to a CT scan. With the type of cancer I had all I wanted was a PET scan. Not being in the medical field and reading all the bogus stuff it made it seem that was the ONLY option to find anything. I went and did the CT scan and it showed that there was an active malignant cyst on the right side of my neck and it was 1.5 cm. Last time it was the left side and it was 2.3 cm x 1.7 cm and you could see it when I turned my head. My oncologist was obviously concerned with the findings and FINALLY approval for a PET scan due to an abnormal CT.

Findings in the PET scan showed that there is, in fact what they are still calling a malignant cyst on the right side of my neck.

Today, I went back to my ENT that originally diagnosed all of this when I had the lump in my neck in 2010. He is also concerned about the SUV levels showing in my right tonsil. Next step is Wednesday to take a biopsy of my tonsil while I am AWAKE!!! (scary but less risk without going into the OR, my choice, hell I did a bone marrow biopsy awake) The SUV level in my tonsil showed to be double than this mystery cyst that showed and you can not feel.

Sooo...with all of this...

I am doing everything to ensure that my home life is Olivia is what it has been for the last two years. Nights of swimming have turned into making paper airplanes, coloring them and racing them. She sees that something is different with her Mommy. She sees me tired, sick, and just not myself. She is defensive to questions about certain things involving me just as I would be with her. She has been what has kept me grounded through all of this. Her smile and her voice alone is a natural medicine right now for me.

Everyday, I am thankful that her father and I are on a very civil level. This news hits home for both of us. Last time he took it hard, and with being single parents now the only way we both can take it is harder.

Most of this is shocking and confusing for my close friends and family. My sisters and my mother have been my saving grace on the hardest of days. My mother goes to EVERY appointment despite her busy schedule. We have laughed, cried, yelled and to later apologize. She is by far showing me what being a parent is all about, and for that I am BEYOND thankful!

As for my friends....

So many of those close to me know a lot about what is happening. I keep my anger, madness, hate to the disease, to myself until it hits me. You know like when you are at the top of a roller coaster you have never been on before and then wham....complete downfall. Those so close and true to me, have held my hand and made me realize that until I accept everything in front of me they are going NO WHERE and already have proven this.
Calls in the middle of the night questioning me to why I am awake and on facebook at 4 a.m...or that call to check on me and I fall apart into hysterics, within minutes were knocking on my door. If they are not able to knock on the door they have been on Skype or on the phone with me to help me through.

I am blessed for everyone that I can call a true friend.

In closing...

With everything going on, I am truly still doing my best to be optimistic.  Hardest part is when you been down the road once and it was a nightmare, you don't want to go back down it. Who is to say next week, everything looked one way on the scans and the biopsies were all clear. I hope and pray for that to be the outcome.


Updates with be more frequent....PROMISE!

A LONG awaited update!!!

I know it has been beyond FOREVER since an update. I was so good in the beginning about keeping this up to date but with the chaos of life, I fell off the wagon!

There is so much going on, that I honestly don't know where to start with an update.

It has been a rough last few months in the Roche Family household. I know with my faith and strength, I will accomplish what is needed for the best of Olivia and I. Hard decisions have been set in front of me and with one step at a time, things are starting to fall into place. My heartaches with the decisions I have made for the sake of the girls, but I know in the long run it will be the best for ALL involved in it.

My family has been more than supportive through my decisions, understanding and forgiving the distance that was forced between us. True people who love you as your family, seem to be able to easily find this forgiveness.

My friends (old and new) have come out of the wood work to support me and ensure the best for Liv and I! The phone calls while I am in hysterics while they are calm and talk my through things making me realize the important things. If it isn't a funny memory to make me laugh it is putting things into perspective to realize that it is going to be OK!

The support at work has been amazing! I have HORRIBLE fatigue still and everyday I am asked by at least one Officer if I am ok and if there is anything that can be done to help me. At times, bad things are said to one another about others but I can honestly say that with such a horrible experience of this illness, I turned a new page. I realized that I have my own issues and life to worry about and not to concern myself with petty gossip which I was once all about.

Each day I pray for guidance and healing from all I have been through this last year. I know that there is a plan for me.

All treatments are complete as of now! All I can do is my best to stay healthy and be there for my girls!

All the symptoms from before...

So as I type this from home, I should be at work. I went home sick. I have battled the fatigue, itchy days and nights, night sweats and fevers for two weeks too long. Today I had to throw in the towel and leave early. It is the hardest damn thing to put on a uniform, a bullet proof vest, a duty belt and boots when you feel like complete crap. Not to mention, due to the symptoms I have, my mind is not in the game. Not exactly safe for myself or co-workers.

I called the doctor this morning and they gave me a Z-Pac and moved up my PET scan from mid-March. I am hoping that I am just trying to fight a bug off and it is not the "Hodge" or something worse coming back.

With this said, I am going to bundle up on the couch in my jammies and watch a movie. I need rest. I think between work and maintaining a 4.0 as a full time college student as well as be a mom to 2 and a wife is starting to take a toll. It is time to stop putting so much on my lap!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

Did you know that when you become cancer free you have a NEW birthday to add to your calender? Well October 15, 2010 is my new birthday! I am CANCER FREE!!!!

What an experience! My new theory, our experiences in life only make us stronger!

Really? Bolt me to the table?

I went in for my first visit for radiation. I needed to get fitted for a mask for my face and neck area. Then I learned this mask would BOLT to the table so I could not move. The first time I was BOLTED I cried the whole time. Too bad, my tears couldn't even roll down my face and just pooled over my eyes making it worse and I could not see. The great nurses at the cancer center, cut out my eyes nose and mouth so I did not feel so claustrophobic. This helped a ton! Needless to say it was only 3 weeks of radiation. I lost my hair and have a bald spot on the back of my head, and a little burn to my skin but over all it was not as bad a chemo.

Bye Bye Chemo!

I was SO good about posting updates on my status. I was a mess after loosing my father and each chemo began to get harder and harder. I fell into a hole struggling to get out. Well, I finished my chemo at the end of September. I was without any treatment and sicker than hell until my radiation began. Chemo by far was my biggest challenge ever! I was in pain and sick on a daily basis. I cleaned out my purse one day to find 7 bottles of medication I was taking several times a day. I was so glad that I was able to put that behind me.

Going RED!!!

Welcome to the NEW layout! RED is for a reason! Leukemia and Lymphoma cancer color is RED!

I have been recently notified by my good friend Celeste that she is hosting a Cancer Benefit in my honor on August 7 at Green Iguana in St. Petersburg. I am excited and blessed to have a friend that would do something like this...

I am having a benefit for my good friend Melinda at the Green Iguana on Saturday, August 7th! I have teamed up with the owners of the Green Iguana, and they are excited about being a part of this benefit! There will be raffles, drink specials & PRIZES!!!!As much as I did not want to tell Melinda.... I had to! I met with Lee from The Green Iguana today & this event is going to be on the radio starting NEXT WEEK!!!!! I got it all set up without her knowing, so now she has no choice but to go with it! As some of you know, Melinda has Hodgkin's Lymphoma and is going through chemotherapy and radiation. Medical bills are already piling up, and she can use our help! Melinda has a beautiful little girl named Olivia who is 17 months old. Melinda is a police officer for the past 8 years, and she puts her life on the line to protect the community, so now it is our turn to repay her! So, come have fun for a good cause!I will post more information as I get it; and if anyone has any ideas, feel free to send them my way!****From Melinda****Tonight Celeste came over and visited with me and told me this secret. Immediately I cried tears of joy that I am so blessed to have her in my life. She was going to keep this a secret but needed to tell me so that I can send this event to my friends. I want this to be a time for me to raise awareness about blood cancers and spend the evening with my friends. As you all know I have been homebound since I have been on leave from work due to risk of infection. I hope that I am able to enjoy an evening with my friends!!!AND...Thank you to those already involved I love you all!!!!Donations can be sent to Celeste Bias @ 1928 Hudson Ct, Oldsmar, FL 34677A raffle for prizes is being coordinated and if you have any products or services you would like to donate, please contact Celeste!