Surgery this morning...

After finding out the day before about the lymphoma, I was scheduled for sugery first thing this morning. I needed to be at the Belleair Outpatient Surgery Center at 930am. I was STARVING! I could not eat after midnight and could not bring myself to eat anything after dinner. I should have ate something right before midnight. I went in and of course they were not able to start an IV, I am a hard stick. They numbed my arms before trying again and it still hurt like heck.

I went in at 1030am and I woke up about 1200pm. I was not in pain at that time.

They took out the largest lymphnode and sent it to the lab at Moffitt for further testing. We were now informed that there is a very slight possibility that it could be non-hodgkin lymphoma

Funny story, The nurse asked me twice what I did for a living when I woke up. The first time I did not answer her and she asked again. I remember thinking what can I tell her that will make her laugh. I told her I was self employed, she asked what kind of work and I told her I was a prostitute. I knew that would make her laugh, since everyone in recovery was over 60 years old. After I was totally awake and Darren came back with me, she told him she was about to double up her gloves and find a bubble suit.

Darren took me back to my mom's house and I was awake for a few hours finally settling into my bed at her house at 2pm. I slept for a few hours while darren went home and took out to dogs and got us more clothes.

Olivia was such a good girl, it was like she knew something was going on.

I woke up and was able to make an appointment at the oncologist for Wednesday morning and post op follow up with Dr. Anthony also on Wednesday.

I jumped into the shower and changed my dressings covering my stitches on my neck. They seemed to be small and we thought there were only 4 but we later learned different

I change my dressing everyday after I shower. The best part is that I can shower as I would normally!

Off to bed! Medications are kicking in...

Today is the day...

I worked all night and thankfully I was super busy with reports from the night before. My mind thankfully was in work mode and I knew I needed to bust and move to get things done so that I got off of work on time. Every weekday morning at 6am I call Darren and make sure he is awake and getting the girls ready for school. This morning I was shaking when I called him, why? I still don't know. Possibly because I knew in 2 hours we were going to learn if our lives were going to be the same or a huge mess...

At 730am I met Darren at my mom's house. Olivia was in his arms and she was so excited to see me. We tried to eat breakfast and were not able to eat but a few bites because both of our stomaches were in knots.

As we drove the 3 minutes to the office from my mom's house, it was silent in the truck. What do you say? I sat right next to him in the center seat of the truck. He was playing with my hair and whispered to me, "No matter what we are going to get through this, and I love you, you are my world!" I needed this more than he knew at that moment.

We walked into the office, holding hands, sweaty hands.

They called us into the room and we waited for the doctor. Darren was talking and talking. My one question to him was, "You are nervous aren't you." He said, "Of course, that is why I am talking and you are not."



Dr Anthony came in and went over the results of the needle biopsy. It showed cells that are Hodgkin's lymphoma. He stated he needed to remove the lymphnode as soon as possible. Of course we asked many questions and what our life was going to come to. I sat in the room with tears rolling down my face. I had nothing to say and thankfully Darren asked all the questions for me. We scheduled surgery for the next morning.



We left the office and Darren showed more emotions as the day went on. I was clearly numb to what I was just told. Many phone calls and many emails to family and friends explaining the results.



I finally was able to attempt to go to sleep after 2pm. I was emotionally and physcially exhausted from working the night before.


I woke up at 630pm and had dinner with the whole family. Jose came over to support Darren which he needed.



I could not imagine the feelings that Darren was feeling. It must be so tough for him.
I am so thankful for the support so far and I know that there is SO much more to learn with all of this, and I know that my support will just grow!

Two more days until we know...

I am finally in a place where I am numb yet no matter the outcome I am going to beat what ever it is. I feel like I am healthy and that I am strong. I have two little girls as well as my best friend/husband that needs me.
My strength has come from my prayer. I know that Darren and I have not prayed the way that we used to and that we need to seek our strength in the lord. I know that I am not the picture perfect christian and I will most likely never be that way. I know that I am forgiven for my wrongs and no matter what our faith is going to bring us through this.
Just as I feel I have the strength, my best friend/husband begins to fall...It hurts me so bad to see him cry. I know that he is needing me and the support of others who have already come through for him! You know you have an amazing husband when out of no where, he tells you that he will sell his boat and jet ski to get through this financially. Everyday since the day he told me he loved me he tells me even when times are bad. He is my ROCK...when I am not strong he is...that is what makes us and our marriage.

Anger, Sadness and knowing I HAVE TO FIGHT...

Today I am having a very hard day. I have been home all day with Olivia. It is my day off and normally we go to the park, to the beach or shopping for a few hours. Today I can not even get myself out of bed, with Olivia I am forced to get out of bed. I told Darren this morning that my plan for the day was to clean the house or at least pick it up and work on laundry.
I found myself talking to my closest friends about what was going on terrified that the news next Wednesday was going to be bad.
Next thing I knew, I vaccummed, and put in ONE load of laundry out of the five that needed to be done and it was almost 3:30 and I needed to get dressed and get Gabrielle from school.

Darren and I have talked about all of the what ifs at this point and there is ONE thing positive that has come out of this. We both believe with all of the hard times and all of the issues we have had to overcome this is the lord forcing the emergency brakes on us and making us appreciate each other and the family that we have.

ENT...and a HUGE needle!

This morning I went to ENT Dr. Anthony. He walked in, introduced himself and checked out my lump on my neck. He seemed like a very nice doctor, yet I was shaking and terrified of what may come out of the appointment. He asked me first if I had the following symptoms, weightloss (CHECK) fatigue(CHECK)nightsweats(CHECK)and swollen lymphnodes(CHECK)...now that I told him yes to EVERY symptom, I got very scared. Dr. Anthony walked out of the room, returning to tell me that he was going to take a needle biopsy of the lymphnode on the left side of my neck.
The needle and the metal aparatus to take the biopsy was the BIGGEST needle I have ever seen! I mean I gave birth last year and was not nearly as scared as I was when I saw this needle. He numbed my neck with a local anethesia and put this HUGE needle in taking out only cells. There was no liquid just cells. He ordered for me to have a CT scan of my neck with contrast which I did right after my appointment.

Before I left Dr. Anthony's office, my mom asked one question, "What could this be? Please be honest with us!" His answer was, "It could be an infected lymphnode or it could be lymphoma." Either way he said he had to remove it. Of course, I hear lymphoma and ask a zillion questions. The one answer that I was satisfied with, is, "With treatment, you can overcome it." I left the office knowing that the next week was going to be the longest week of my life. My next appointment was scheduled for April 28 and I was going to get my results then.

I have a hard time with things like this, I read how people are to me when I first meet them, then realized that everyone was OVER comforting. Like they already knew that something was wrong. We will see on the 28th.

Thought it was just another day at the doctor.

Today I went to my primary doctor to have a follow up for a pea size lump in my neck. This lump grew to 4 cm. I watched my doctor walk out of the room, she is very calm in nature and go ask the nurse to pull my blood and she would have the results the next day. She asked me to go see a Ear Nose and Throat specialist about the lump.
I called the ENT after I left her office and the scheduler stated she already spoke with my doctor and there was an appointment at 7:45am the following day. Concerned, I went home and attempted to go about my day without anymore worries, this was an IMPOSSIBLE task!