Pain Pain go away!

I was awake at 3am and 5am in excruciating pain. My joints and bones hurt so bad this morning it woke me up! I was determined not to allow this pain to ruin my day. It did happen to ruin most of it. I stayed couch bound for most of the day until I called the doctor. When I called it was about 4:30pm and he told me to take Motrin or the other pain medication I had. (NOTE: you can not take anything to "mask" a fever without consulting the doctor) I took motrin and started to feel a little bit better.
The pain that I had all day was in my neck, hips, thighs and knees. After speaking with the doctor he explained that the Neulasta has this effect and it is common. He also shared with me that this treatment is going to be the easiest so be prepared in the future. I hope that it does not get worse than this because I was in tears today trying to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom.
We have plans with friends Sunday and Monday and I am hoping that this pain will be gone so we can enjoy our Memorial Day weekend!

On that note: Thank you to all the men and women that serve and have served our country!

Day after Chemo

I was wide awake at 3am with nothing to do. I felt ok for the most part but I was tired of tossing and turning. The nurse the day before, told me that the steroid is what will keep me awake. I watched TV for a bit and I went back to bed at 5 to get up with Darren at 6 and help with getting Olivia ready for school. I unlocked the front door and texted Sheri to come in when she got to my house.
My sister took two days off of work to be home with me since I would be alone. This made me feel so good! I really enjoyed her being at my house with me. She took me to go get an injection that I needed of Neulasta. Basically the shot is to give a kick to my white blood cells to make more to fight infection. The only side effects that I was dealing with were nausea and fatigue. They told me that later in the day I would have aches and pains in my joints.
Jon and Jessica came over later in the day with Ethan. I was so happy to see them and spend some time with them! It felt like forever since I had seen them and Ethan is SOOO adorable. I want another baby so bad, but know that it is not likely that we will be able to have another with the medications I am taking.
I worked on homework and off to bed I went until the family got home from school and work.

Today is the day, Cancer can kiss my @ss

This morning I got up well before the alarm clock went off and got the girls ready and we had a knock at the door. Darren's friend Pat showed up this morning to wish us well with my first treatment. It truly meant alot to us that he went out of his way this morning to come by. Darren and I took the girls to school and stopped by chicfila. We went to the doctor about 30 minutes early.

My nurse that was assigned to me did not seem as a morning person but she came around by the end of the 4 hours I was in the chemotherapy room.

They attempted to access my port which still has dermabond on it and still is not completely healed. The nurse tried the first time then told me that she needed to use a longer needle into the port. This hurt so bad by the second stick that I was in tears. I was embarrassed to be crying but I am human. The premediciations were started, a steroid, two nausea medications and benedryl. While these were infusing, I met with Dr. Hano. He gave us the glorious news that the lymphoma was NOT in my bone marrow.

Back into the chemo room, they began my four medications AVBD. I was clearly informed that I will be loosing my hair about the time of my second treatment. I was so overwhelmed with everything going on that I was exhausted by the time everything was over. Darren left for a little while to get my prescriptions and I went to sleep while the remaining medications dripped into me. I woke up and I wanted to leave so bad.

I called my mom to see where she was with my older sister, Sheri. They met us for lunch at Panera Bread and I knew it was time for me to go home to rest. Darren and I picked up Olivia and shocking enough I felt ok. It was after I put Olivia to bed, I felt like I was getting the flu. I forced myself into the shower since I always feel good after. I had about 10 hairs come out and I had a complete meltdown. Darren now was not able to say much and I freaked out. There was NOTHING he could say or do that would ease this anger and sadness that had come over me. This lasted about an hour, exhausted, I got comfortable and went to bed.

I am the owner of a PORT...

On Friday I had my procedure to have my port placed so that chemo treatments and blood draws are easier over the next few months. I was scared going in for the procedure but it was not the procedure itself that hurt, it is the aftermath. I have a large incision on my left chest that HURTS...I can not sleep, I can not dress myself, it is a bit frustrating to say the least.The port is a small plastic implant that is beneath the skin on my left chest that has a tube that goes directly into a large vein. The reason they need to put in a port is due to two reasons, one I have HORRIBLE veins in my arms and it is always a challenge to draw blood or put in an IV, two is because the medication for the chemo is bad for your veins and can cause damage if it goes beyond your veins. (scary to think that I am getting something so harmful)
The BEST part of Friday was just as I was sitting down after checking in, Darren showed up. I told him not to take time off and that I would be fine with my mom with me. He walked in and said, "I want to be sure you know I am here for you." Again my husband pulls through and puts a smile on my face. We have tough times like any married couple and of course I have the worries that he is taking too much time off, but he left work to be by my side. He is my strength when I am weak. We both have our moments on how to deal with each situation and procedure. Everyday presents another challenge that we are forced to face. Seems that so far we have overcome most of these challenges at this point. Granted a word or two of frusteration is exchanged but when you love someone the way that I love him, all I can hope for is understanding and reassuance that we will get past this. It is another chapter in our story we will share with others later.
Before the procedure they gave me medicine to go to sleep but I was not all the way under otherwise they would have to intubate me and they said it is not necessary for a short procedure. I think the worst is not being able to pick up Olivia. I tried to get her up after a nap today and it was almost impossible. My chest and left arm ache. My chest hurts the worst. On a pain scale, I would say I am pushing about a 7...

Today I have pushed myself more than I think I should have. I know that I am going to have bad days and I figured that I need to get used to pushing myself through and learning how to deal with fatigue, aches and pains. I have been sick to my stomach for days and I want to enjoy eating as well as enjoy a good night of sleep! I only can sleep flat on my back and it is NOT comfortable. The doctor does not think that pain medication is needed for the port after 12 hours, well I have news, I am in PAIN. I tried to go without and I am still hurting. I went 8 hours without earlier today until MISERY kicked in at about 7pm. The pain is now gone and I think I am going to be able to get some shut eye soon!

Today was a HUGE day for Gabrielle. She cut her hair off and looks gorgeous as always! Chrissy watched Olivia as Gabrielle, Darren and I went to the spa for her cut. Gabrielle looked at a scrapbook and found the picture of the hair she wanted. Melanie from Whole Salon and Spa cut Gab's hair to her chin and stacked it in the back. She curled it and it is beautiful! We went to the mall after so that Gab could show it off and enjoy it. Gabrielle and I have gotten so close in the last 3 months. She asks me questions everyday about what is happening and when she knows I am down about something she has been going out of her way to hug me and tell me she loves me! She had tears in her eyes today as her hair was being cut and I told her not to cry that her hair will grow back and she said, "We are a team, you have short hair, I will have short hair." What a great feeling, when 2 years ago she was against me and the idea that she was going to have a sibiling! She has grown up so much and become so well behaved!

It is still hard to believe that I am so close to the treatments beginning. We are down to less than 72 hours and I can not describe how I am getting more and more scared.

I believe that Olivia can sense that something is going on because she is very clingy and always wants to be with me or around me. It is hard for me because she wants to play and be rough (not intentional) and has bumped into me or hit me where my port was just put in. Aching or not, we all know I will stick it out for a hug from my girl
Off to bed I go...

Bone Marrow EQUALS PAIN...

Monday I went to Dr Hano and was excited to get my results of my PET scan back. We learned that it looks like stage one, unless my bone marrow is infected.
Dr. Hano told me that he was going to take the marrow. The nurse came in and had me sign a consent form. On the form it said sedation and local anethesia would be given. SOOOO there was NO sedation and only 2 shots of anesthesia. It was the worst and most horrible pain I have ever felt in my life. Before I left I was notified that I was going to have to get a port before my chemo which was scheduled for May 26. So this told me that I was going to have to get the port in the next few days.
Dummy me, I went to work later that night. I was in pain and was VERY uncomfortable. There were times throughout the shift that I would go into the locker room, take off my belt and sit there for 20 minutes and then gear up and go back to work.
I got home from work and went to bed. I knew I was only going to get a few hours sleep since I had an appointment with Dr. Tirone who was the surgeon who was going to be placing the port.
At 1pm I woke up and tried to sit up. I could not even sit up out of bed and it was the worst feeling in the world. I was in so much pain. I picked up my phone and called Darren crying that I could not get out of bed and I was in horrible pain. This told me that I over did it at work the night before and I probably should not have even gone to work.
Dr. Tirone scheduled the port to be placed on Friday at noon.
I spoke to my sergeant and told him that I over did it at work and he allowed me to come into work and work on reports in pain clothes. I was at work until 3am and came home.
Today I woke up and I am still sore. Not as bad as last night. I believe that I am going to make an attempt to make it into work tonight. Tonight is my last night of work until most of this is over with or I am able to live with chemo and working.
The area the marrow was taken is a bit swollen and it is a bit tender, but I am sure this tenderness is going to be the least of my aches over the next months.

Each day, each conversation, each question someone asks me, I get anxiety. I am scared and as the days get closer I cry more and my heart hurts. I think everyday, why me...I know that I don't get to choose what is happening and that my path was paved long before...but I have a daughter...This is what hurts me. She has no clue what is happening to her mommy and all I can do is hope that this part of her life is not remembered! I dont want Olivia to remember me as sick all the time. I will and I am fighting like hell to make sure that I am here for a VERY long time!

Yesterday things at home have been hectic, I want D to feel like he has his time to himself if he needs it. Olivia cried from the time I brought her home until just before I left. I tried everything and the last thing I wanted to do was ask for help. I know that D is trying more than ever to make things easier and all I can do is try to help him with it as much as I can.

Back to reality...

Yesterday we got home from our cruise! It was so nice to get away but this cruise was not even close to how amazing our 7day cruise was 2 years ago.



Monday 05.10.2010 we set sail on Carnival Imagination.
Tuesday we stopped in Key West

Wednesday we made it to Cozumel Mexico.

Thursday we sailed all day and Friday we returned to Miami.

I will add more pictures soon!

Tomorrow at this time I am sailing....

Yesterday was a great day. We went out on the boat with Val, Gabrielle, Olivia, Darren and I. It was a short ride but the boat ran like a champ. That is ALWAYS a good thing! This was the first time since winter we took it out. Darren just completed his interior project on it and it looks great! We were out about an hour and then I had to come home, shower and left for my hair appointment. Yes...the hair is GONE...I cut it above my shoulders. Everyone loves it and I am trying to get used to it. Change is tough for me sometimes but after we went shopping for some cute dresses, I think this change is good! I feel good about myself.

Tomorrow at 4pm I will be sailing off with my husband to the Keys and to Cozumel. I am super exited and we are in dire need of a break from things right now. Not to mention we are celebrating our 2 year anniversary and my 30th birthday. This cruise was scheduled months ago before we found out about the lymphoma.

Today is Mother's Day. This morning I got up and cooked my fabulous mother in law breakfast and we went to church. After church Gabrielle went with her mom for the night and I went to my Grandmas and to my moms to drop off flowers. I got home to a CLEAN house and these..

and the PERFECT card from my husband! I LOVE ORCHIDS!

Off to go back and not have a worry in the WORLD for 5 days! Then back to reality...update then!

Saturday...

My aches and pains are starting more and more, I thought for a long time this is all in my head and still some what do. I stopped taking motrin on a daily basis so that I could have a taste what each day was going to be like. I am constantly tired. I thought forever that my fatigue was from being on midnight shift and I am now learning per my doctor my aches and pains as well as my tiredness is cancer related fatigue. It is 9am on Saturday I slept for 8 hours and I feel like I have been awake for 24 hours.

I have my mother in law in town and of course I push myself further to do things with my family while she is here. These are precious times right now to me! She has been the best blessing in my life away from Olivia, Darren and Gabrielle.

Yesterday I has a PET scan done. It was an experience. The girls that were working with me, Karen and Jess were amazing and they will be getting a Thank you card. I have been traumatized this last week with the amount of needles in my arms and how I am a "hard stick." I have brusing on booth arms and it HURTS! They did an amazing job with sticking me the first time and it not being bad. After the IV was in, they injected radioactive stuff in me, then I sat in the comfort room for 45 minutes. I had to drink contrast that was mixed with Crystal Light. It was so GROSS...After the time was up I changed and layed in the tube with my arms over my head for 20 minutes which felt like an hour and 20 minutes. My arms were numb and I was aching in my lower back. They said I would get the results on Monday but guess what, I will be on a cruise!!!!

Last night we told Gabrielle what was going on. I told Darren as we were walking in that he needed to tell her and I could not talk without crying. He told her and she had some questions about things. We talked about words that she may not understand and that she can google them with me so she can read about it. D told her I was going to loose my hair and her immediate reaction was she wanted to shave her head with me! What an amazing child! On the way home from her mom's house she asked me if she is not in school if she could go to my treatments with me. She did not cry but I think she is numb or it is going to hit her when I begin treatment and she sees the effects of it.

Update

Hi everyone. This is Tanya, Melinda's friend. I thought I would update you all on what is going on. I will be updating as often as I get updates, on Melinda's behalf.

My heart just sunk. Literally. Here is a background on how I met Melinda. In 2005, after my son was born, Melinda and I *met* on a weight loss website. We instantly became each other's instigator and shoulder to lean on when we needed support for our weight loss. We bonded instantly. In 2008, I flew to meet Melinda and had the amazing and heartwarming opportunity to photograph her wedding for her. We had never met face to face, until then. We met in the airport - chaos and all, and it was like we knew each other for years already. She was the sister that I never had. This brings us to today, 2010. Melinda and I are the best of friends, text, email and chat to each other anytime that we possibly can. I received this update from her this morning and wanted to update you all, but also thought I would give a brief story line on who I am and how Melinda knows me.

Update:

I am on my way this morning to surgery. Yesterday I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's
lymphoma. They are removing a lymphnode today in my neck. I go to the oncologist
on Wednesday for info on my chemotherapy treatments.

My heart sunk. Literally. My heart, my soul, and all the prayers within myself are with you, Mel. I love you!

I will update Melinda's blog as I get updates via text and email.

And the results are in...

I got a call today from Dr. Anthony. He informed my that it is in fact Hodgkin's Lymphoma with lymphocytic rich cells. This is the reason my lymphnode traveled to Orlando to be tested.

This explains why there were not Reed Sternburg cells showing on the tissue samples. From what I have learned with my already countless hours of research and reading, the cells that were showing with my sample were "popcorn" like.

Today I had an echo cardiogram and a pulmonary test. These tests are done so that they are sure my body will be able to stand the chemotherapy.

After the phone call that I received from Dr. Anthony I fell apart. For the first time I was devastated for some reason after that phone call of this began to be real. Darren called my as I was hanging up with the doctor. I could barely talk. He was supportive as always and told me that this means the fight is real and it is closer. He told me that I needed to not be scared but be ready to beat this.

I got home and layed on the floor for an hour and played with Olivia. I have NEVER held this girl so tight! She has no clue as to what is going on either. I worked things out with Gabrielle's mother and we will be telling her on Friday night. This is one of my hardest things as well as facing I have to loose my hair. Gabrielle is like my OWN...she and I have become so close. I told Darren tonight that I will not be able to tell her and that he needed to be the one to tell her when we meet. She LOVES her dad so much and knows that he will keep the family safe!

PET scan in the morning! Then we can see how tough this fight is going to be! I am hoping that the cancer has not spread!

How do you not have the results?

I was scared and quiet walking into the new doctors office. Dr. Hano is my new oncologist. He is a super nice guy and to be honest reminds me ALOT of my father in law. Same look and so to the point it is funny!

They did not have the results from the pathologist from my surgery. So I was a bitter about that. Dr Hano came back to tell me that he was able to get part of the results but it was not the information he needed. I should have the results at this afternoons appointment with my ENT Dr. Anthony. He wants to set up all the tests to start chemo on May 17. He recommended for me to "trim up" my hair to prepare for myself for the hair loss...this is when the tears came!!!! My mom and Darren proceeded to talk about wigs and how I can be curly or straight or red or blonde. I just asked my husband if we can buy every color "do rag" cause I think I can rock it! Ha...I have to have humor in between my tears. So I waited for 45 minutes and I had all 5 of my appointments for the next 2 days....

Darren was with me and my mom also came so that she knows about what treatment is to come. She will be taking me to and from treatment and I will be staying with her while my LOVE is working. He will come pick me up after work. Kinda like daycare for your wife! HaHa..
I normally do my best to work on household chores and cook dinner everyday. I am having a hard time thinking of what things are going to be like when I am sick and tired after treatment. I know that I have a husband that is MORE than great when it comes to these things but I can not imagine how overwhelmed he must be. He is always reassuring me to be strong. He probably feels like the weight of the world is on him. Just if there was some way I could lift that weight!!!

I am so overwhelmed. Simple things are what trigger me to be angry and upset. Most of the time I am in the right mind set and I know that I will overcome this.

The Dr is asking for me to go to a NO DUTY status for one month to see how I am with the chemotherapy before allowing me to return to work. It is looking at about a 6 months of treatment at this point.

Most people at work are aware of what is going on with me. I did not want to "air" this on facebook and wanted to be able to tell others about what is going on. I told my shift last night in read off what was going on. I think the first sign was the HUGE band aid on my neck for the last 30 work hours that something happened or was wrong. Most people on my shift have spoken to me about it and seem very supportive. I appreciate this...

Why this name?

I may and may not have saved a life, but I feel in my profession I am a hero. I go to work everyday with the intention to protect and serve the community that I work for. With being diagnosed with lymphoma I know that I am going to have to fight to stay healthy and battle the cancer that is in my body! Some may disagree with the title of the blog, but that is ok, I disagree with things too..
I feel this title was right for the situation and the challenge that I am faced with.

Sunday and back to work today

Everyone may think that I am out of my mind but I am going back to work today. I have 3 nights to work this week before my 10 day vacation. I need to keep my mind going on things other than my illness. I am very angry that this is happening to me but I am forcing myself to deal with the current issues at hand but staying busy. Last week I did not think about this much while I was working which was a VERY good thing.
Darren and I went to church today and there was so much support from our friends and members of our small group. I have cried very little over the diagnosis and this morning I cried and cried and cried HARD.
I am scared but I feel I can not be scared because I am a mother. This little girl relies so much on me as well as the rest of my family!

Darren has been so amazing. He went grocery shopping with me yesterday and took care of Olivia while I was layed out on the couch.

So two more days (in my mind) until I meet with the oncologist to find out about what my treatment is going to be.

I have 7 days until we set sail on our anniversary cruise to Key West and Cozumel. Our partying days are over since I have to be ready to battle the hell out of this when I get home. I guess this is the way we are forced to save money! Ha....